Friday, 3 February 2012

Happy ending

It's 12.15am in the night. I suddenly feel so lost... I am wondering why am I the one who needs to hide my life from everyone? People got a life and they live it... I got a life but I can't cuz it would be stigmatizing. There is no use crying in the middle of the night. There is no use being depressed alone.
Being alone is what I am afraid of... I can't live alone... I would rather die. It is more suffering than dying. I live with dignity. I have used to have my dignity. People like me... My family does... My relatives do... My friends do... but what if they know me better? Just by knowing me better, by knowing the my true self... no one would wanna come close to me. No one would. I will then lose my dignity of being a human. How would a person live like that? No one would...
I got a sister that I am very close to. A sister that I can tell her everything... she thinks she knows me well... but she doesn't. My mum... she raised me... she took care of me... I am her boy. But she only knows the surface of everything in my life. How pathetic...
When a person cry, the person can find a shoulder to lean on. But how about me? I got nobody other than this damn blog that nobody reads.
If I tell the world, if I tell everyone my story... who would pity me? Some will... at least my best friends, my mum and sister would. But how about other people? The society has got no mercy. Why are we so pity? When people tell me that they are pity, no one is worse than them, I can only tell them "everyone got problems... they just never tell you".
But I am a human being. I got the most developed brain! I am intelligent! I can prevent what I don't want to not to happen. I can control what will happen next. I won't tell anybody about my sexuality. I will, like some animals, camouflage myself in this society, be part of them. What I need to do is just to adjust my emotion. I can get myself a girlfriend, I am an attractive guy to many girls, that's not hard.
I know the one being my wife would be the victim, but I will treat her well. I will give my love to her, a different kind of love a husband gives his wife. I owe her hence I shall sacrifice myself for her. I have said it! I must promise it! Without her, I can't live my life. I will love you, I will love the family, I will love our children! I will be a good husband that you want, I will be the daddy that my children want.
Sex is not everything. Happiness is from the family and from what I do. As a doctor, I promise to help as many patients as possible. I will feel happy, my wife, children and patients will feel happy. Isn't it a happy ending?

Friday, 2 December 2011


Having just watched some videos posted by the famous hero of our time, Namewee, I have got something to say too!

I would say "I really admire you, Namewee, because you have been really brave. You voiced out your opinions and your genuine and sincere feelings about this country. I idolize you! When you are not happy, there must be a reason and by saying it out to the public, tons of burden on your shoulders would just go away and you get to defend for yourself and many others just like you.

I am feeling exactly the same on my side, the homosexual community side, I wish I can be someone like you, I want to do better if I can! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! Our rights and dignities are all accumulated through years and years of fighting! But still we are too quiet... too timid... We should really step forward and tell the world how we feel just like Namewee! I am looking forward to someone like Namewee to be on the news, internet and more... I wish I can be another Namewee too... 

I believe it is never too late to do something, no matter it is a big one or a small one, a START is what is really important to kick start everything! I would take this post as a good START of my own.

Monday, 28 November 2011

Why can't I be myself?

I have just come across this question which has been in my mind for many years, should I marry a girl or not?
I have been really concerned about this. Also, I am the kinda person who likes to plan whatever that is going to happen before it does. So I have been reading on the internet. Googling "married gay man" and so on. I still haven't got my answer yet. I am still very confused, very uncertain about my future. There is just too much to think, too much to worry about.
From my reading for the past one hour, none of the websites I have been to recommend gay men marrying straight women. Indeed, the women who married a gay man would be incredibly "unfortunate" and her whole life would just be ruined by us. So it is actually our choice... I don't want any innocent person to be hurt, but when it comes to thinking of myself, I would ask "I am the very unfortunate one in this society, wouldn't it be more fair if some of the very fortunate persons sacrifice a bit for us?" Well... I am being not rational now.

I saw a guy I like today

I went to a karaokae today with my sister and I was served by a guy who was around my age. I thought he looked really good, just my type! Definitely my type. But it was sad, he might not a queer and it was just not very possible that I could tell him that I liked his look. Anyway, he looked like a Hong Kong artist, 李威乐. Both of them just look great to me, giving me the same feel. He wasn't very gorgeous, but I just loved to look at his face. Not knowing why, his voice sounded so nice, now I just feel like listening to his voice again.