It's 12.15am in the night. I suddenly feel so lost... I am wondering why am I the one who needs to hide my life from everyone? People got a life and they live it... I got a life but I can't cuz it would be stigmatizing. There is no use crying in the middle of the night. There is no use being depressed alone.
Being alone is what I am afraid of... I can't live alone... I would rather die. It is more suffering than dying. I live with dignity. I have used to have my dignity. People like me... My family does... My relatives do... My friends do... but what if they know me better? Just by knowing me better, by knowing the my true self... no one would wanna come close to me. No one would. I will then lose my dignity of being a human. How would a person live like that? No one would...
I got a sister that I am very close to. A sister that I can tell her everything... she thinks she knows me well... but she doesn't. My mum... she raised me... she took care of me... I am her boy. But she only knows the surface of everything in my life. How pathetic...
When a person cry, the person can find a shoulder to lean on. But how about me? I got nobody other than this damn blog that nobody reads.
If I tell the world, if I tell everyone my story... who would pity me? Some will... at least my best friends, my mum and sister would. But how about other people? The society has got no mercy. Why are we so pity? When people tell me that they are pity, no one is worse than them, I can only tell them "everyone got problems... they just never tell you".
But I am a human being. I got the most developed brain! I am intelligent! I can prevent what I don't want to not to happen. I can control what will happen next. I won't tell anybody about my sexuality. I will, like some animals, camouflage myself in this society, be part of them. What I need to do is just to adjust my emotion. I can get myself a girlfriend, I am an attractive guy to many girls, that's not hard.
I know the one being my wife would be the victim, but I will treat her well. I will give my love to her, a different kind of love a husband gives his wife. I owe her hence I shall sacrifice myself for her. I have said it! I must promise it! Without her, I can't live my life. I will love you, I will love the family, I will love our children! I will be a good husband that you want, I will be the daddy that my children want.
Sex is not everything. Happiness is from the family and from what I do. As a doctor, I promise to help as many patients as possible. I will feel happy, my wife, children and patients will feel happy. Isn't it a happy ending?